Saturday, December 18, 2004

hell really is other people. salut, jean paul.

what is it about the world that makes us so desperate to cling to others, and so desperate not to be clung to? in a perfect universe, we would be crystalline, in perfectly distanced linked structures, infinite in their variety and complexity. as it is, we’re some sort of primordial social ooze, flowing messily over and around each other. is it any wonder nobody wants that shit sticking to their shoes?

and yet we fear loneliness so much. what do we seem like, wandering frantically from the door to the lamp and back again, locking and unlocking the latch and flicking the light? we’re moths without the pretty wings.

what is the solution? cigarettes. a light in the darkness, a barrier and an invitation. got a light? puff of smoke in your face. get back. have a drag, pass it back and forth. closer. cough. and it’s out.

alcohol. at the bottom of a bottle, you can say anything. a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s … bullshit. just take another shot and it will all make sense. camaraderie. over in the morning. separated safely by the vast gulf of a hangover.

a computer. tag, you’re it. email/blog/messageboard/handle can’t get a handle on me, can you? logoff.

when is the day that i will look someone in the eye without wishing for dark glasses?

Sunday, December 05, 2004

god, i love making up email names!

i'm not going to have children, just email accounts. when you name your children, you have to stop at mary, john, or the universal chris. otherwise they'll get beat up on the playground (sorry, apple.) but with email accounts... oh, my goodness, the possibilities are endless!

there are the mary, john, chris names of the internet, god knows: kitten123456, princ3ss487, d00m92, whatever. (anything with a number in it or after it is the internet equivalent of tom, dick, or harry.) but you're not limited by the number names. you can go wackyfluffybutternuts! (that name, bizarrely enough, requires a number after it on hotmail. somebody email the original wacky and tell him/her congratulations.)

naming your email account is a big decision-- at least as big as naming a child. i mean, these days, your internet address is the first piece of contact information you give people. do you want el hottie in the bar to wake up in the morning and wonder what the hell ghb1141 is and who the hell wrote it on his palm? (and how he's going to get the corresponding backwards rendition off his face before work...?) on the other hand, do you really want your business card to have 4agoodtime@callme.com printed in the bottom left corner? it's all about context.

everyone has several email addresses in their lives, for several purposes. (sort of like, when you were a little kid, you had several barbies... Malibu Barbie, Prom Barbie, etc.) your email addresses should reflect their purposes-- don't give your Malibu Email to someone who's looking for Astronaut Barbie. or something like that. you get it.

so, i think there may be a huge market in email name books. i mean, come on, there are a jillion baby name books out there, and please-- there are apparently only about 10 acceptable baby names on the planet: Katharine, John, Mark, Ashley, etc. at least, nobody ever names their kid anything else. and if you're lucky, you'll only need to pick a baby name once or twice in your life. (if you've already worked your way through the C's on your way to Zoe and Zed, please stop. the planet's crowded.)

email names, on the other hand, are endlessly and culturally-acceptably variable, and you will need many of them throughout your cyber-life. so, i've decided that an email name book would be a great little toy.

here's a sample. i think this will eventually be the section on Email Names Mocking Pop Culture (pass them out at smoky hipster bars and gallery openings):

betterthanbrando (i'm already using this one, but ain't it cool? muah!)
sophietuckerlives
whokilledmarylin (or) monroestrikesback
emmagoldmansrazor
trudywasapoet
toklasbrownies
kissingdylanthomas
schroedingersgerbil
poorpoorhemingway
dancingwithclara

and the list goes on...