Wednesday, October 13, 2004

arguing on the internet


are you having a bad day/week/life? need to take out some aggression, let off some steam?

you could go for a nice, brisk run, but that involves sweat and shortness of breath. you could visit the shooting range, but that's awfully noisy and you'll have to come up with a polite reason not to give your phone number to a guy with a mullet. (you'll have to be polite because it's a shooting range... don't let all that pent-up anger cloud your thinking.)

you could go to a bar and get plastered and come up with a really RUDE reason not to give your phone number to a guy with a mullet. that's kind of expensive, though... unless the guy with the mullet has already bought all your drinks for you. but that, frankly, is the type of lame, circa-1980 cocktease that makes me want to renounce shaving and reread Gloria Steinem. so that's no good...

but anyway, if you're anti-sweat, anti-gun, quasi-self-respecting, and poor, you can always let off steam on the internet in five easy steps.

1) find a message board. any message board will do, but this works so much better if you look for one with a strong theme:,, etc.

2) if you've properly selected your message board, pretty much everyone on the forum will consider him/herself an Expert in whatever tiny slice of reality they live in. there will be one poster who is the Head Expert on the board. hint: look for the name that appears most often (probably on every single thread). sometimes there'll be a second name that appears all the freaking time too, but that's usually just the Head Expert's Igor, who follows him/her around saying things like "i totally agree" and "you're SO right! :) :) :)"

3) pick a post. any post. doesn't matter.
disagree with the Head Expert. you don't have to be rude, just post an opinion that is different from his/hers. sit back and wait. if you're really in the mood for a rodeo, you can go around to a bunch of different threads and disagree with the H.E. repeatedly. this is really fun.

4) go have a beer and a smoke. by the time you get back, the H.E. (who lives in his mom's basement/on her boyfriend's couch and is on the internet all the goddamn time) will have seen your heresy and come blazing in with the CAPS LOCK key to set you straight.

5) type away. you can mock, yell, or (my personal favorite) be excruciatingly polite and post lots of links to other sites that back you up and show how terribly misguided the H.E. is. don't worry if you don't actually know anything about the subject. nobody's going to read your links anyway. it just makes you look like a much more reasonable, well-informed person than the Head.

the H.E. and/or the Igor will respond to you in ever-longer, ever-more-poorly-spelled posts all night long. keep going until you feel completely superior to all life on the planet. then wander off and look at internet porn.

i promise you'll feel so much better. if you don't, just rinse and repeat.


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